Ever have one of those seasons where you feel so exposed because you are allowed to see the messy things in your heart? Yeah, I've had quite a few of those in my time and am currently in the middle of one. It sucks to see how much you have let your guard down and let your heart harden. I've always heard people say that it is a privilege to be able to see those things about yourself; that we should thank God for wanting to change us and move in us. Well, I AM grateful, I really am, but it is dang hard. I am realizing, extremely detrimental to my ego, that I am struggling with things I thought I had conquered. How silly of me.
You know what I hate? I hate it when I gain my value from other people. You know what else I hate? I hate that it happens so much that it takes over. I was reading a friend's blog this morning and she made me realize that it's so easy for me to define myself by what other people think of me. It's so easy to live off knowing that other people consider me "older", a leader, wise, whatever. But then, when you let them down (and you will), you hit hard. I thought I had conquered the urge to please people. I thought I knew for real this time that the Lord gives me my value. Funny how you can be convinced it's done.
I get really confused about love sometimes - most of the time. I think it is FOR me and ABOUT me. But it is not. Love is about the person you are loving. It has nothing to do with you. It can drain you, hurt you, tire you, cost you something. Love really should cost me something. Why is it that I don't think it should? I keep asking myself that question over and over again. Why am I "too good" to be patient, kind, humble, polite, considerate, forgiving? Because I have staked my identity with being "older", a leader, wise, and can convince people that I am without actually living it.
I am still convinced that God is good. He has not left me high and dry this season. Some of my relationships are being restored, and it is so good. People are coming back into my life that remind me of who I am. It is wonderful. Last night, I spent some time with Kaley, Chrissy and LP. All we did was talk about old times and look at pictures really. But they were so good for my heart. Their hearts remind me of mine. Last night, I also spent time with the "game night-ers". It is so good to see real, working love in practice. Mmm.
I'm currently reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, great to be reading during a season like this. I am reminded that humility is not about shame or destitution. It is about knowing that the glory your heart holds is merely reflected; it is not yours, it has been given. I'm glad I get to reflect someone like God.
"I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." - Jesus
I'll take it.
