Bittersweet

Well, the time is drawing near. The time to say goodbye and close this chapter of my life. It is nothing but contradictions. I cannot wait to get married. I will miss living in 1E. I can't wait to serve in a church. I wish I could stay with this Cru body forever. I can't wait to have a job I'm good at. I am hesitant to try my hand at something besides school. All these contradictions. Just like the word "bittersweet".

And this season certainly is.

I've decided to look back at the year and share some of my favorite memories in a series of blogs. I am enabling comments on these posts so that we can reminisce together :o)

The Breakaway girls came to visit PG. We made them do ridiculous things :o)

Red, Fisch and Squints do D.C. (and some illegal things in the process).

1E is narcississtic.

When Joel joined the band. :o)

Krista turns 21!

My halloween masterpiece and Harvest partying.

Winners!

Finger jousting battle cry!

Team girl squad LC weekend - one of the best weekends ever.

Cyril really wanted to be Mary Poppins.

Project Runway. (click to experience)

Getting engaged over Thanksgiving. That was a good one. :o)

Mmm. Sweet memories. Please reminisce with me via comments. More to come!

Sunday morning

It's noon. This morning, instead of going to church, I decided to spend some time by myself with God and my thoughts to try and sort through the things going on in my heart. So I did.

Ever have one of those seasons where you feel so exposed because you are allowed to see the messy things in your heart? Yeah, I've had quite a few of those in my time and am currently in the middle of one. It sucks to see how much you have let your guard down and let your heart harden. I've always heard people say that it is a privilege to be able to see those things about yourself; that we should thank God for wanting to change us and move in us. Well, I AM grateful, I really am, but it is dang hard. I am realizing, extremely detrimental to my ego, that I am struggling with things I thought I had conquered. How silly of me.

You know what I hate? I hate it when I gain my value from other people. You know what else I hate? I hate that it happens so much that it takes over. I was reading a friend's blog this morning and she made me realize that it's so easy for me to define myself by what other people think of me. It's so easy to live off knowing that other people consider me "older", a leader, wise, whatever. But then, when you let them down (and you will), you hit hard. I thought I had conquered the urge to please people. I thought I knew for real this time that the Lord gives me my value. Funny how you can be convinced it's done.

I get really confused about love sometimes - most of the time. I think it is FOR me and ABOUT me. But it is not. Love is about the person you are loving. It has nothing to do with you. It can drain you, hurt you, tire you, cost you something. Love really should cost me something. Why is it that I don't think it should? I keep asking myself that question over and over again. Why am I "too good" to be patient, kind, humble, polite, considerate, forgiving? Because I have staked my identity with being "older", a leader, wise, and can convince people that I am without actually living it.

I am still convinced that God is good. He has not left me high and dry this season. Some of my relationships are being restored, and it is so good. People are coming back into my life that remind me of who I am. It is wonderful. Last night, I spent some time with Kaley, Chrissy and LP. All we did was talk about old times and look at pictures really. But they were so good for my heart. Their hearts remind me of mine. Last night, I also spent time with the "game night-ers". It is so good to see real, working love in practice. Mmm.

I'm currently reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, great to be reading during a season like this. I am reminded that humility is not about shame or destitution. It is about knowing that the glory your heart holds is merely reflected; it is not yours, it has been given. I'm glad I get to reflect someone like God.

"I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." - Jesus

I'll take it.

To blog or not to blog...

...that is the question. Apparently, I have decided to blog. This question has been a source of inner consideration for me over the past week. "Why do I want to blog? Why do other people like to blog? I can't believe blog is in the dictionary now."

The idea to blog approached my mind this past week while I was listening to Bethany Dillon's new song and wishing I was a song writer. I'm just not good at it. Not that I have tried that hard, but I'm sure I'm not. As I listened to her lyrics, I thought about how creatively freeing song writing must be. This caused a mini-dilemma in my heart. I'd really love to express myself through some kind of writing, but I already know I'm not good at song writing; what could I do? Then, I remembered that Drew, the wonderful man that he is, began to blog last summer and found incredible artistic expression there! Hurray! I began to consider starting my very own blog.

It wasn't as easy as I thought. I ran into some more roadblocks before I could sign up. Why DO people blog? Is it just so other people can see how wise/witty/deep/funny/smart they are? Is it just to keep each other updated on life because we don't talk in person as much as we should? Is it to gain some kind of attention because we are too scared to pursue deeper relationships? Yes, I realize I let my mind get away from me a little bit. But these are valid questions! To gain some insight, I began to ask people that I knew had blogs what their opinions were.

Drew told me that blog writing was great for him because he enjoys writing so much and writing more frequently improved his writing skills. (He really should write a book one day.) I shared my concern about my motives in blog writing. Drew wisely commented that if blog writing would benefit me creatively and benefit others reading it, then it was probably okay for me. So, I considered all that.

Jenn and Randi had some interesting insights as well. Jenn came to the conclusion that blogs should be a good mix of current events in one's life and one's thoughts, feelings and revelations. Randi warned that sometimes, blogs can just be for attention, like seeing how many comments one can receive on a given post. We decided that the way to avoid that motive is to disable comments, which I think I have done. After this conversation, both Jenn and Randi have decided to begin blogging.

With all this blogging wisdom floating around in my head, I processed my thoughts. I have decided as of 5 o'clock this evening to begin blogging. So here I am. I promise to attempt to fulfill the "correct" definition of a blog, as it has been defined here.

Wow. I already feel so express-ed. Maybe I should give song writing another chance...

His name is Drew
Sometimes, he makes me go, "Ew!"
I still love him so
Even though he makes me say, "What's wrong with you, fo'?"

...hmm. Nah.